You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
