i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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