i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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