my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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