Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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