Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
