The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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