Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
