Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
