I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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