Don't make out with my wife yet
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
