So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
