1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
