Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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