Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
