Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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