I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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