Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
