Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
