I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
