nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
