So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
