I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
