I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
