I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
