If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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