pedialite and red bull = repair kit
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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