i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
