he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
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