She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
