Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
