When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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