His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
