on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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