The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize
