woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
this hospital has no fireball
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
