When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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