I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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