no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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