you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
