why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
