if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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