Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
