Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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