Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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