I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
So many bounce houses so little time
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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