Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
