so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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