thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
