The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
how drunk are you?
Several
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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