i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
